Stickin' It Out

I got married today. Well, not exactly today. It was Friday, June 2. But the year was 1989 - 17 years ago. "Amazing", people say. "Good for you", they comment. "You must have picked the right one", the add. Amazing? Yes. Good for me? I'll admit it. But it has nothing to do with picking the right one, really. It's not because I found the perfect boy, and it's certainly not because he found the perfect girl. It might sound a little unromantic, but there never really is a 'right one' floating around out there waiting in the cosmos for the other 'right one' to crash and connect. There may be 'better ones'; there may be 'more easily compatible' or something or other. But the real story is you start becoming the right one the moment you vow that "you do".

When I married, I had been 20 for a whole 33 days, we had just completed a 2-year long-distance realtionship and HE was five years older than me. You can't really set yourself up for less success, frankly, but I knew I was doing something serious. That was in part to being mature for my age as well as being raised in an environment with a faith that taught commitment with no turning back. Short of being in physical danger, once connected, you were pretty much stuck. I also had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ and besides the romantic desire to live happily ever after, I had a sense of wanting to live my life the right way. I started the wedding day, thinking that I was making a choice, and that I'd be making that choice for the last time. What I didn't realize is that every day, for the rest of our lives, we'd both be making that choice over again.

It turned out that some days, the choice was a no-brainer. The butterflies were there, the adrenaline was pumping with activity associated with setting up house, having our own place, being our own new little club. But after a time, the choice was an act of discipline. One of us didn't treat the other with kindness or respect. One of us made a selfish comment or decision. One of us spent too much money. One of us wanted one thing, the other wanted something different. One of us broke a promise to the other one. On those days, the thought occurred "I shoulda-never-done-this!" On those days, life seemed relegated to an eternity of being taken advantage of, disapppointed with the other person, full of aggravation and frustration if we stuck it out. The butterflies were definitely outta there.

This is the point where more than 50% of married couples decide they made a mistake, they are no longer in love, the mate didn't keep their end of the bargain so a chapter of their life has closed. They feel like they've come down a path and reached a dead end. What they don't realize is THAT is exactly where life was supposed to lead them. It's not a dead end, but a "T", and their life journey depends on whether they turn right or left. What they don't realize is that is exactly where love, in its purest form, begins. It was at that point that I realized that love is simply doing what is right for another person, regardless of what you think, feel or want. It has nothing to do with a feeling. The feeling was just the chemistry that made you want the chance to love the person in the first place.

I take no credit for making the right decision...The first time the decision was hard for me, I had God with his thumb in my back, reminding me of my commitment, reminding me that I chose this life, that I couldn't just change my mind on a promise. That's what makes it a serious thing. You don't stop just because it's not working for you any more. I turned right at the T - I chose to persevere, as did HE, on several occasions, and as has pretty much anyone who has stayed married for a significant period of time. What we found beyond that curve in the road, just after the "T" was a shock--We had acted out of pure commitment, and rather than living a life of disappointment and frustration, feeling stuck someplace we didn't want to be, we found that life was happier around that corner, more secure, infinitely more fulfilling.

I began to see HIM in a new light--a guy that would love me with all my good qualities and put up with my bad. I saw a guy who would take care of me if I ever got sick or disabled. I saw a guy that would share the thrill with me that comes from creating a nucleus family of our own with little people who had sprung from us. I saw a guy who would happily sacrifice what he wants to give me what I want, and get joy out of doing it. I saw those things because I began to do those things myself, without any promise of HIM returning the favor. I discovered THAT was love.

To summarize, here's the scoop, for those of you who haven't started in marriage, or who are about to quit the one you're with in an effort to find 'the one'. I speak both from personal experience and from observation of those who have made different choices in their lives--and I'm pretty sure I'm right.

1) If you're getting married because you are in love, you won't always feel in love. The feeling is just chemistry. Making unselfish choices in favor of the other person is the love part and YOU are responsible for doing that, even if they don't. The bonus is that the feelings do come around quite a bit.
2) On the days you wish you weren't married, (which totally will happen) stick it out. Sticking it out eventually brings reassurance that you're glad you got married. You get to see and feel what real love is like.
3) When you do things out of sacrifice for the other person, you begin to be "the one" and that starts turning them into "the one".
4) Quitting a marriage pretty much seals the deal that when you find the next "the one", you won't be able to stick it out with them either. In marriage, practice does not make perfect. Only working it out makes perfect.
5) Once you have children, your obligation to sticking it out exponentially increases. You have handed over your rights to the little people you've brought into the world.
6) Sticking it out does not mean living a life of misery and frustration. It means figuring out a way to make it work well. That is why they call marriage hard work. And that's why its so rewarding when you succeed.
7) Sticking it out will not bring the life you always wanted. It usually gives you a life you didn't even know you wanted, and you'll be immeasurably happier than if life had followed your original plan. It's the formula of 1+1=10. You'll get out more than you put in after you make the choice to stick it out.
8) Just because your "the one" changes does not give you the right to stop sticking it out. Of course they changed. It was just not the changes you planned. It's nature, and it's called 'growth'. You've changed too, but you like your changes better than you like theirs.
9) Life is like a cycle - you'll have many opportunities to make the 'stick it out' choice with the same person. Sometimes the choice is a no-brainer, sometimes you get to practice true love while making it.
10) Every time you choose to stick it out, the choice becomes infinitely easier the next time you have to make it. And your life becomes richer, happier and more rewarding than it ever was before. Not because HE's perfect, but because He's the one for you.

Babe, thanks for being my "the one" and letting me be yours.