Feng Shui for Black Thumbs

I'm bummed. My chi is dead. According to this ancient eastern philosophy, if you want to be happy, healthy, wealthy, have a good marriage or anything else positive in life then you need to order yourself around the principles of Feng Shui. One of those principals is to include living things in each room of your house (like plants, not people). My problem with this is that I have a black thumb. Not only do I kill all living plants in my house (I've tried ivy, cactus, ficus, even bamboo!) but I forget I even have them.

This poor plant has survived since my in-laws moved to FL 2 or 3 summers ago, but it has been slowly dehydrating for who knows how long. It would be bad enough to kill it, but since I have blinders on when it comes to plants in my house, it sits there dead for weeks and I don't even notice it. I dust around it, I vacuum around it, I even scooch it over sometimes if it is in the way. It took John making a snide comment about me needing to water the plant his mom gave me in order for me to snap this picture before I haul it outside. Who is he kidding? She would have thrown it out if I hadn't begged her for it. It was so alive, healthy and old, and it was even used to living with "Olsens". Wrong gene pool I guess--it knew I wasn't plant royalty. But since he sees it parched and thirsty, does he take it pity upon it himself?!? Huh-uh.

So, I guess I am doomed to live without vibrant chi, to have to compensate in other ways to maintain my health, wealth and happiness (or to get it in the first place). Here's to the next ancient secret to become a fad--and here's hoping that it will embrace plants of the authentic faux variety.

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